On this July 4th, The Railer takes a hard look at his former home state. When you spurn America’s ideals you naturally lose the dynamism, the justice, the humanity that makes us great. Illinois is in big trouble. The Land of Lincoln looks more and more like a People’s Republic every day. Thousands have left Illinois in the last decade, with higher earners being replaced by folks with 41% less income. If you’re a Chicago taxpayer, then your combined city and state debt is $135,700. Add $90,000 per taxpayer in federal debt and that’s a cool $225,000, a second mortgage. Thanks to the 2020 Census, Illinois is down one congressional seat. With pols like D-Dick (Turban) Durbin, R-Adam Kinzinger and D-Bobby Rush, we’re all the better for that. Companies are fleeing. In just the last month Caterpillar, Boeing, and Citadel Capital abandoned their Chicago headquarters, taking high paying jobs and prestige with them. Half of Illinois residents want to leave. Decades of single party control, greedy public unions, and ‘Jersey level corruption have ruined the state.
Against this dour backdrop, Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker remains optimistic. Knowing that The Railer is a 40-year member of the growing Illinois diaspora, and a frequent critic, the Governor stepped into the lion’s den and agreed to a candid Zoom chat. The Railer wishes to thank the Governor’s Press Secretary, Karpeet Muencher, for arranging this interview.
Transcript follows.
The Railer (TR) : Governor, thanks for agreeing to speak with The Railer today. Frankly, we’re a bit surprised. The Railer is a harsh critic of your administration, and Illinois’ governance generally, but we’re eager to hear any ideas you have that might lift the state of The State. Ms. Muencher suggested that you had good news to share, the Railer would love to hear it.
Governor Pritzker (GP): Thank you Mr. Railer. I know we don’t agree on much, but I’m glad that you’re willing to have a conversation. We had big news just this week with the Roe ruling. We anticipated that this day might come, so we’ve been working hard to loosen Illinois’ already permissive abortion policies. In 2019 I signed a bill that expanded late term abortions, and in 2021 I signed an act that keeps parents and guardians out of a minor’s right-to-choose. I just called for a special session where I’m going to go even further. We’re going to join VA, NY, and CA by supporting post-birth abortion, through at least the end of the 4th trimester. I’m proud of those achievements and more to come.
Months ago, after the leaked SCOTUS abortion opinion, I asked my staff to bring me new ideas on how Illinois could capitalize on a post-Roe world. They came up with some fantastic proposals that I’d like to share.
But first, a little background. Even under Roe, Illinois was growing our abortion industry. 7,534 nonresidents received abortions in Illinois in 2019, compared with 2,970 in 2014 and 5,528 in 2017. Those are just non-residents, coming to our state for abortion services. That’s 250% growth in just five years during a time when Illinois commerce was in broad decline. As abortion became more difficult in surrounding states we went the other way, and it’s paying off. Nationwide, the US averages almost a million abortions every year, and two out of three are black or Hispanic. We know that Illinois can grab a bigger share of that diverse market.
TR: Governor, this abortion business, is it “just a business” in your eyes?
GP: Well, it’s more than that. Sure, we see this as a growth opportunity. It’s a lot of revenue for our government unions. But it also aligns with our values. Let me tell you more about how we’re taking this success to the next level. We have ten casinos in our state. Many have on-site hotels and entertainment. They’re great places to visit. We’re going to locate new themed abortion clinics in these exciting venues, giving folks an excuse to turn a health procedure, the exercise of a sacred right, into a destination vacation. Each clinic will incorporate the local casino’s theme. You can pick the period and culture where you feel most comfortable. For example, we have a 19th Century riverboat venue in southern Illinois, a hip-hop/gangsta vibe on the Chicago southside, and an Amish theme in our central Illinois location. It transforms abortion into a fantasy experience. We’re going to steal that Las Vegas meme, “what happens in Illinois, stays in Illinois.”
Oh, I almost forgot to mention the best one, it’s a bit of a secret. We’re setting up a pregnancy termination center in the Obama Presidential Library. And get this, the Abortionist will wear a silicone mask, like the ones you see in the Mission Impossible movies. And whose face? Barack Hussein Obama. You’ll believe that our beloved former President is delivering your reproductive health services. The focus groups go wild when we describe this, and we expect that we’ll create a lot of demand. Dare I say, look for a big increase in unprotected sex (laughs).
TR: Governor, that last idea is diabolical. It panders to the psychological weaknesses of your base. But I reluctantly agree with you, you’ll have TSA style lines at the BHO Library and Brinks trucks hauling cash out the back. I get that you have a political machine to feed in Illinois, that your public union demands are insatiable, but you said something interesting. You said that – well let’s call it what it is – abortion tourism “aligns with our values.” What does that mean?
GP: Let me explain. I signed the 2021 bill that voids notification for minors. I care about our children’s health. We’re going to build local pediatric abortion clinics throughout Illinois, enough so that every child in Illinois is within a free Uber ride of pediatric reproductive health services. These centers will be happy places, lots of bright graphics, videos, games, giant plastic dinosaurs in the entryways. I believe in a child’s right to choose and I’m making that choice realizable. We believe that all of these efforts will differentiate Illinois from the other Abortion Tourism destinations like Oregon, California, Vermont, Maryland, and New York.
We’re going to help lots of people in other ways too. The harvest from these many health delivery facilities is mostly waste, but some of the near and post term products are quite valuable. We will ship those overnight to our friends at the People’s Army Hospital in Beijing. It’s very complementary to their world class organ harvesting operations. They heal people from all over the world and the people of Illinois will be partners in that humanitarian work.
You see, they have the freedom to do things we can’t. They have the freedom to confiscate guns, the freedom to regulate speech, the freedom to make decisions on medical care, housing, employment, elections, and transportation. China can tax and spend to meet the needs of the people without the kinds of noisy, time-wasting arguments we suffer in Springfield. And it seems that any progress we make in Illinois is eventually thrown out by the extreme MAGA Supreme Court. I wish we had Chinese level of freedoms in Illinois.
TR: Governor, The Railer has a very different understanding of freedom, that of the individual, of liberty. You see freedom as government privilege. I’m afraid you and your Democrat Komrades have turned everything upside down. But back to your initiatives. The Railer see lots of future income in these plans, but this sounds like a lot of up-front capital spending. Isn’t Illinois broke?
GP: We have a draft bill in Springfield that answers these questions. But we’re not worried about money. Illinois Democrats spend as much as we want. The people know we’re broke, and we’re still reelected by wide margins. We’re serving the people. When the day comes that the check bounces, our friends in Washington will step in. Trust me, Chuck and Nancy have my back. But you’re not entirely wrong. In a few rural southern counties with small populations, standalone pediatric abortion clinics don’t make sense. Hardin County for example has less than 4,000 folks and almost zero children. For these places we’ve come up with an innovative solution. We’re going to train veterinarians to perform abortions in their existing clinics. They already have the training, the staff, and equipment so it’s just a minor regulatory hurdle to make that happen. Children can pet dogs and cats before and after their health services. It will be a comfortable environment. We realize that parents would go ballistic if they knew their child were having an abortion at a local vet. That’s one reason why I signed that 2021 bill. They don’t have to know.
TR: OK, so abortions for women and children, but Democrats can’t even define a “woman” these days. The next thing you’re going to say is that Illinois will offer abortions for “men.”
GP: Please, hold the sarcasm. And yes, we do have a plan for men, except it is for actual, biological, men. Forgive me for saying that, I meant to say people-assigned-gonads-at-birth, PAGABs. The procedure will be like a colonoscopy, but without anesthesia. We’ll use the same clinical bed, and the discomfort will be similar or more than what a late-term uterus possessing person, UPPs, would experience. This gives men, oops, I did it again, PAGABs, a way to show solidarity with UPPs. This also opens abortion to gay PAGABs and surgically corrected trans men. It more than doubles our available market. Some PAGABs like to brag, “I climbed Pike’s Peak.” In the future, we’d like them to say, “I had an abortion in Illinois.” Men can demonstrate their feminist bonafides by sharing this experience. Again, something unique that will move Illinois to a leadership position.
TR: With all disrespect Governor, these proposals are twisted, ghastly. I can’t believe the people of Illinois will go along. On the other hand (pause), maybe I can. But I can’t suffer any more discussion on this topic. Let’s change the subject. Is there something positive you can offer that will bring people and commerce to Illinois?
GP: Well, I agree to disagree. I’m excited about where we’re going on UPP and PAGAB reproductive health services. The numbers back me up and with Roe out of the way, the sky’s the limit. But to your question, yes, we have other ideas, two actually. I think you’ll like this one. The first is small scale, a very premium offering. The publicity will be great, and the groundwork is already laid – pun intended. We call it the Juicy Smellit Hate Crime Experience. You craft your own personal hate crime, and Equity actors bring it to life. You pick the props, you write the script, and you’re the star. We drop your video into a sort of Law & Order episode template. We include a scene near the end where Michelle Obama calls the Crooked District Attorney to secure your release. She records her lines using your name. That’s something very personal, and not cheap (laughs). Finally, we bring actors in police uniforms to shoot the final scene. They yell obscenities at you in mock protest as you triumphantly march out through a prison gate set, capping your custom drama. I’ve made my own video! It was a fat shaming, food fetish, sub/dom theme, but I really love it. I showed it to a few close friends during a takeover of the Hotel Manglares.
TR: Governor, I’m glad to see that at least a few Democrats are finally admitting the obvious, that the Smellit story was a hoax. You’re right, on this one we can agree. It doesn’t appeal to The Railer, but I bet you’ll have a line of privileged snowflakes who will love producing their bespoke white guilt fantasies. Karpeet teased on our setup call that you had another Chicago specific proposal?
GP: Yes! I think you’ll love this one too. This is something that everyone can enjoy, even those on a small budget. We’re making Chicago a destination for violence tourism. It’s kinda like being on the set of The Purge, but it’s real. Listen, we’re hoping for 1,000 kills in Chicago this year, and thousands more will survive with lifelong disabilities. That’s a great backdrop for someone looking for a thrilling, immersive, violent experience. Budget tours use predictive software and a phone app that guide you to likely hot locations. Premium tours will include Friday or Saturday night “backstage passes” to a Chicago ER, and we’re adding a jump seat to our ambulance fleet so you can see real blood, real life-on-the-line stuff. Joe Biden said, “… a 9 mm bullet blows the lungs out of the body, no joke.” You get to see with your own eyes if he’s right. Most of the action is black-on-black, so we gently discourage persons-of-color from enjoying the on-street segments of the tour. Too likely that they’ll end up “in the movie” as one might say. But some are drawn to that thrill, so it’s up to our guests. For everyone else, it’s “mostly” safe.
Success here, leaving with moving memories, depends on growth in the underlying product, and I think Mayor Lightfoot is doing a great job on that front. I fully expect Chicagoans will reward her with several more terms. Lightfoot’s defund-the-police policies, prison closures, and her no-prosecute District Attorney will ramp the violence even more in the coming years. We’re also working with Chicago community organizers to plan and schedule their flash mob looting and “nights of rage.” They’re already hosting these events, we’re just asking for a little notice so we can drop our guests into the live scene. If you stay anywhere along the Miracle Mile downtown, you’re likely within walking distance of the action.
TR: Governor, I think I’ve heard enough. But credit to you, only a Democrat could find a way to turn a real-life Clockwork Orange dystopia into a California style studio tour. I was hoping to hear how you were going to reduce these social ills, make Illinois more business friendly, tackle Mount Pension.
GP: This IS our new economy. We call our strategy, Magnify and Monetize the Mayhem, 3Ms. Democrat mayors and governors across the country are doing the same thing, we’re just leaders here in Illinois in developing revenue streams that exploit our social achievements.TR: Awful, simply awful. Nonetheless Governor, I’m confident that you’ll cruise to an easy reelection this fall. The people of Illinois will reap what they elect.